the strangest dream

Here's something weird. Last night I dreamt vividly. 


I dreamt I approached huge wooden gates which were covered in gold designs. I was there because I somehow had the opportunity to meet Ani Pema Chodron, and I was so beside myself that I was fighting back tears. I was trying to call my friend, and leaving her these voicemail messages like, "ohmigodyouwon'tbelievewhatshappening" kind of thing. The amazing anticipation was thrilling through my body, and I remember thinking, I hope she doesn't mind I don't know how to bow properly, or anything! I hope she doesn't mind I am so new at everything!

A Nun met me at the gates and walked me through a beautiful garden. There were several large wooden buildings, and I looked around in awe. The trees were green and bright, and there were fir trees around. It was misty but not cold. 

Finally we came to a low building, which was practically back at the start of the path, just near the gates. I was ushered in. I was ready to bow low, tears were in my eyes, I was in awe. When I looked up I was shocked to see a hospital bed. Ani Pema was dying. 

She looked over at me. Her face was gaunt and pale. She smiled and said, "oh there you are!" I looked at the Nuns around her, who were attending her. I wasn't sure I should be there. But Ani Pema smiled again and I came close. 


Suddenly she was in pain, and then she moved about in agony. Her frame was tiny in the bed, and she threw an arm around my neck, perhaps in panic? I whispered to her and spoke gently. I told her, I am going to do tonglen for you, and I held her and began to breathe for her. Her eyes opened, and she said, Tonglen! As if to say, yes, I remember now, and I will do that too. 


She didn't see me any more after that, because she was going inside to die. Her eyes were open, and she looked about wildly, but did not see. I stayed with her, present, open and just being there. 

As it was near the end different people began to come in. I thought to move away but she held me still. One young woman and her boyfriend came in. I wondered if the young woman was her daughter. The young man started to tell others nearby -what was the big deal, it was only one woman. A Nun who stood near Ani Pema rebuked him sharply, saying, don't you say that in this room! Don't you dare say that! I was angry as well, saying to the young man, have you even read any of her books?! The young man shrugged and looked away.

I continued to care for her. I didn't know what to do but I just started getting on with it. I was open. I felt that Ani Pema started reliving memories of her past, joyful ones, sad ones. I stayed there with her. 

I woke up then. I don't know what it means. Except that of course, my mother died. And last night as I went to sleep I remembered that just after my Mother died her skin was still warm. Then even half an hour later, she was cooler, and cooler still.

My friend has a wonderful phrase. It is "what am I now called to do?" I ask myself that most days, through the fog of grief. Is it possible that this experience I have had might support me to help others? How can I be of benefit? 


And also - what would it be like if we could treat every dying soul like they were our Teachers? Like they were our own Mothers?