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Yesterday I was at home, trying to focus my energy on writing a job application. In the other room nearby, my teenage stepson and his mate are mucking about and making lots of noise. Chaos. Madness. (Albeit normal teenage behaviour ;) )
My Dad rang to talk to me about how Mum is doing in the hospital. We had initially thought that she might have as little as six months to live - we have been dealing with this diagnosis for about a year. But now from nowhere Dad tells me that the specialist has re-evaluated Mum's condition - and feels reasonably sure that Mum has a particularly rare version of this horrible disease. And because of this, Mum will probably live longer than a year. In fact, she might even live for a few!
At this point my body began floating - my perceptions of reality shifted - and my heart opened. Groundlessness. My Mum has been given extra years. And I have been given extra years with her! Instead of a death sentence - this is a life sentence!
After I got off the phone I barely knew my surroundings. I was on automatic pilot. The colours of everything seemed so sharp but so distant. I walked over to my stepson, J, and asked if he had dinner organised for himself and his friend, and as he didn't, I jumped in the car and went out to get it. And as I drove, I put on the new talk by Ani Pema Chodron. In her introduction she says to get a sense of spaciousness as you live. To do this, why not just look up at the sky?
When I got out of the car, I looked up. I really looked, I really felt, I really saw the sky. It opened up above me. Unknowable, bright hot blue, and completely open. I cried and cried - with a deep wisdom that something that I had lost ... has come back to me. The life of my mother.
All these months I have been learning the lesson of impermanence. The hard way. (Is there any other?) I know that death is inevitable for us all. We must all lose those people that we love. But yesterday to be told that I will have a little more time with her... well then that is cause for joy!
Without a Ouija Board, it's hard to tell the future. But I have put a lot of thought into how to manage the next year.
It comes down to a simple concept - to not be a pushover.
To me this means standing in what I believe in - rather than backing down, or softening what I think, or deferring to someone else when I know that I know what I am talking about. It also means not putting myself down constantly and making other people laugh by playing the fool.
I recently gave an interview to one of the editors of Earthmonster Illustrated magazine... and now my interview is being featured! Take a look here: Interview
I found it interesting to read because I sound so unsure! What does it take for a person to be confident? How can I achieve this astonishing feat?
... are there any?
My first thought is no. I have spent years and substantial energy successfully avoiding any movie that features this man. Yes, I know, everyone tells me that Punch-Drunk Love is the exception. But until today I couldn't go there. Something about the dick jokes, the airheaded women who inhabit the films, and maybe something about his cranky face have made me strangely ambivalent about the fellow. That and the fact that every movie he makes can be brought down to "what it means to be a real man". Grr.
Luckily for me one of my step-kids got his DVD for Christmas. And today on a whim I put on Anger Management, so I could clean the house and listen to something at the same time. And although the movie wasn't great, the funniest part of the film was how much the main character was like... well... was like me.
The basic story is that a man who claims to have no anger issues finds himself in anger management therapy classes. The therapist (Nicholson) pushes him and pushes him -- doing things that will deliberately enrage him and make him crazy. Nicholson moves in with him, sleeps naked in his bed, tries to marry his girlfriend, and gets him into fights. Over time the Adam Sandler character is pushed to the brink and eventually snaps.
So now onto me. I am like this man. Early in the film Nicholson asks him, who are you? Not what do you do, or what are your hobbies, but who are you really? The man doesn't know. He aims to be compliant in all things. To not be rattled or rebellious. His eventual answer is that he is "an easy going guy". Which is another way of saying, repressed as all hell. This is like me. I want to be an easy going guy too.
I do my best to ensure everyone is happy. I do my best to make sure nobody knows when I am angry or upset or frustrated. In my mind, I am following dharma teachings and trying to breathe through it. But to the outside world, I look like someone about to lose their mind.
The kids tell me this. Something happens, and I say I am not angry, but one look at me and they know I am furious. I put all my energy into speaking quietly, but on the occasional time when I do go off, I am so enraged that I do not know myself. Later I am ashamed and a mess. I don't do healthy anger. I don't know how.
Another thing about this film is the idea that people who provoke you are really your teachers. In this film the Nicholson character is infuriating and destructive without logic. He does things simply to upset. This happens every day to everyone all the time. It's not all that funny. It's painful, actually, and distressing. There are people who as soon as they walk into a room, upset you. I like the Buddhist idea that this person is actually your greatest ally. They have a lot to show you about yourself. I like the idea - but when it comes to living it I freak out. Teenagers can do this. You love them, they are wonderful human beings, but they are skilled at infuriating you in ways you cannot conceive. They have long showers, scowl at you and fly off the handle. They demand stuff from you and are not always grateful. They push hard - they are busy forming an identity and they need someone to push against to do it. I am learning a lot from living with teenagers.
By the way this does not mean I think this film was good - it still had a Hollywood ending of a guy getting a girl, and kissing her in front of everyone. Plus, the message of the film is that anger can be good, and that calling your boss a dickhead and smashing up his desk is a positive thing. I'm not so much a fan of that. But what I do like about it is the idea that I should relax - not repress so much.
On top of all this I want to add that I still hate Adam Sandler. But not in a repressed way.
I have said before that I would post a picture of my little meditation space. I say little because it's located kind of behind a door! I have chosen the things on it because they are meaningful to me. All of these items were given to me by people who have made a difference to my spirituality - a picture of Pema Chodron from my friend M, a beautiful candleholder from my partner, a candle from a dear friend T, a stone that says "love" from my stepdaughter. I also have a poem of hers that has been printed on a bookmark - about a rainforest. The yellow cloth I bought recently when I was in Sydney listening to a talk by the Dalai Lama. The little table itself was made by my Dad! There is also an article by Pema on meditation.
I need to record what has been working for me this week. It seems important! I have been looking around at other people's blogs and I am feeling like I am so new on my path. And I feel like I am getting nowhere -- or that the steps I am taking are so small that they seem a shuffle.
There again I have always wanted to move at the speed of light. Maybe this path is about learning to move slowly, and patiently. I have a friend at work who says, "Slowly Does the Snail go" and I like that phrase. At the moment I am the snail.
Five reasons to say yay:
1. I have meditated five days in a row, every morning. I have risen at what is commonly known as "Stupid O'Clock" -- which is about 5:35am. I like the quiet before everyone else is up. Although it's been hard I have managed it, and even on Saturday and Sunday - which was crazy tough.
2. I have three spiritual friends which frequently talk to me about my mediation practice. Having one is great, but three is super special!! So yay for T, M and J. When I am sitting, I imagine that they are sitting with me. It realigns me and gives me energy.
3. Small goal of twenty minutes. For a while I was trying to sit for ten minutes - but my mind was a haze! I didn't realise that meditation is the same as going for a fourteen kilometre walk - for the first little while you are conscious of every step and stumble, but after a while your feet just take you where you need to go. So now I am sitting for twenty minutes - and it is much better. In a couple of weeks I might try for half an hour...?
4. I have a little shrine in the study room. I have carefully designed it - it has a picture of Pema Chodron, a candle that is made by Buddhist monks near where I live, a beautiful little meditating Buddha that has space for incense sticks, and a stone that my step daughter gave me that says "love". It also has a cloth that I bought when I went to see the Dalai Lama last week ( but more about that in another blog). I should take a photo of this shrine and post it! Might do this afternoon.
5. When I sit, I say to myself that I have brothers and sisters all over the world who are sitting at this moment with me. I also concentrate on the phrase "warrior mind." That is the kind of mind I want to develop. Strong, flexible, calm, and enquiring always.
Of all these things my greatest ally is my ability to show up to the cushion - the same as a writer just has to show up to the page. I may be travelling slow but I am still travelling!
Not often that I have something so nice to tell you... but two of my poems have had recent features on my favourite arts & writing site redbubble.
I love this site. I have been a member for over a year, and over time I have gotten to know a few people, made a few friends, and received feedback on my work which has honestly kept me going. Kept me connecting pen to paper, and then shaping and reshaping my work. And by commenting on other people's work it has given me a way to support other people in their journeys too.
One of the best things about the site is the wonderful groups you can belong to -- I say groups, but sometimes they are like little communities. My poem frailty has been featured in one of these groups. I haven't been doing much writing lately, but this one really came from a place of real vulnerability for me. I am proud of this poem.
The other one that has had a feature is poem for pema. This was featured in the Nirvana group. Yay for bookbird!
If I could have anything I wanted, I would work three days a week in the wonderful job that I have, write for two days a week, and spend two whole days with my family and friends doing fun things. No housework or logistical stuff! But balance is everything - and mortgages are kind of important too - so I need to work full time. But when these little things happen, like being featured in a group, I remember how I need to make time for my writing. Just like meditation. Just like connecting with the kids, with my partner. Is there anybody in this world who knows how to do this?? And if so, leave a message below and tell me how!
In the meantime I will keep trying for this balance - and today I realise I need to not sacrifice writing as I go about it.
If you click here you will be taken to one of my favourite writing groups on redbubble - The Red Writing Room. I hope you like it. And here is a link to one of my favourite writers, and now my friend: biographyofred8
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